164 replies to this topic

[phat-ant]

Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George Bush are captured by terrorists and told that they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next morning.

Just as the sun is rising the next day, Clinton is placed against the wall. Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!". The firing squad falls into a panic and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion .

John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done.
Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!". Again the squad falls apart and Kerry slips over the wall thus making his escape.

The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He thinks, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall!"

As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, "Fire!....

[Katiexx]

lol! I can see him doing that


Xx Katie xX

[Darunia]

Hahaha nice1

[Daev]

How to Shower Like A Woman:

Take off clothes and place then in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How to Shower Like A Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in


a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

[wedge]

haha

[Snowman]

hehe... probaby some truth in that

[phat-ant]

hehe vodka

any how time for some more....




A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"A Daddy Longlegs" said her father.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."

[Katiexx]

haha that's brilliant


Xx Katie xX

[phat-ant]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."



"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist".

"I am" replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If
anything, you've delayed my trip."

"The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my ****ing fault."

[phat-ant]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their

Local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was

The response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d#ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I could save you a grand here....."

[Katiexx]

hahaha that's brilliant



Katie

[Squee]

hahah funny

[phat-ant]

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[phat-ant]

:P
come on forum wake up forum.


Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fooook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course" he replies "what's the use of foooookin' one?"

[24thfret]

[phat-ant]

Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".

After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love, Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."

[Katiexx]

hehe another good un


Katie

[phat-ant]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says
"What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you The answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around."

[phat-ant]

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He "hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead

***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............Is this 486-5731?"

[Katiexx]

god it's dead in here.where's Ant and his awesome jokes!?

well heres a really bad joke in an attempt to get ya's postin ur own terrible ones!




A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."






Katie