164 replies to this topic

[phat-ant]

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Our store is considering banning your family from shopping with us
unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over
the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done
while his spouse/partner was shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts
when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in Housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to
cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a
while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[wedge]

haha might just try that

[DeViL_DoG]

lmfaooooooooooooooooooooooo

[phat-ant]

my fav out of that lot is moved the wet floor sign to a carpeted area. man its so simple.

/me is a simpleton.

any how might as well post another i know there not all terribly good but it can brighten up your day or put a smile on your face for a min


An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."

[DeViL_DoG]

Lmfaooooooooooooooooo


These make my day ant keep them coming

[SellersUK]

ant u r so wrong

[phat-ant]

A husband and wife sitting in bed reading, the wife looks over him and asks the question: what would you do if i died? Would you get married again?

husband "definatly not!"
wife: "why not? dont you like being married?"
husband: "of course i do"
wife: "then why wouldnt you get re-married?"
husband: "ok ok, id get married again"
wife: "you would?" *with hurt look*
husband: *makes audible groan*
wife:"would you live in our house?"
husband:"sure its a great house"
wife: "would you sleep with her in our bed?"
husband: "where else would she sleep?"
wife: "would you let her drive my car?"
husband: "probably, its almost new"
wife: "would you replace my pictures with hers?"
husband: "that would be the proper thing to do"
wife: "would you give her my jewellery?"
husband: "no, she would want her own"
wife: "would she use my golf clubs?"
husband: "no, shes left handed"
wife:**silence**
husband: "shit"

[wedge]

haha

[DeViL_DoG]

lmfaooooooooooo

[phat-ant]

Dear Diary [written by a blonde],

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't
paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for THEMSELVES.

Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He didn't call back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

[DeViL_DoG]

lmfaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[phat-ant]

damn i love being a blonde.
ok im bored with lots to do but hey heres some more random shit

....

Army Advice!

If the enemy is in range, so are you

Incoming fire has the right of way

Dont look conspicuous, it draws fire

There is always a way

The easy way is always mined

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo

Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous

Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at

If you cant remember, the claymore is pointing at you

if your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush

Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you

The only thing more accurate then incoming enemy fire, is incoming friendly fire

When the pin is pulled, Mr grenade is not our friend

When in doubt empty the magazine

Never share a foxhole with someone braver than yourself

Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing

Make it too hard for the enemy to get in, and you cant get out

Mines are equal opportunity weapons

There are only two sizes, too large and too small

Five second fuses only last three seconds

A sucking chest wound is natures way of telling you to slow down

When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder

If its stupid but works, it isnt stupid

[Darunia]

Haha I like that last one

[DeViL_DoG]

lmaoooo

[24thfret]

Very funny jokes Ant

I found a good one today:

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude but fell asleep and burned his penis.

Not wanting to miss out on his date with the hot blonde, he applied some ointment to his manhood and wrapped it in gauze. The blonde showed up at his apartment and after dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort, he asked to be excused.

A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his shaft fully immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you load those things!"

[DeViL_DoG]

lmfaooooooo nice 1 fret

[wedge]

funny very funny

[phat-ant]

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick. " The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE:JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: is your wife a nagger?
POLE: NO, she white.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.


LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store And put on shelf in bathroom. I can read -- it says, "Polish Remover."